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Sometimes i feel like my thoughts and mind can rapidly and illogiocally change as I am involved in a conversation lets say. I can totally pretend (and actually believe myself) that I agree, disagree with the other person. Then my mind wonders, stats racing. I start wondering how the person would react if I slap, curse, spit on him/her or ask a provocative personal question, or about something that has absolutely no connection with our current talk. during the day I find myself not caring about tasks. I feel like I can face a life - threatening situation and think about what it would feel like to walk on your hands on the pavement during a hot summer day. I turn off and turn on. I have attention and concentration whenever not really needed and vice verca. I make funny faces in the miror and laugh hard out loud whenever there is noone at home. I think about things considered to be impossible - people flying, telekinesis, firebreathing, etc. At times I really feel like I can slap a relative or hug, kis a complete stranger. Someone I've known for a second. I oversleep when important things are to be done and stay awake when I need to be refreshed in the morning. I overeat when there is not enough food and undereat sometimes when its in excess,. I've a 2134235433534 sexual fantasies about girls that i've met once or just seen somewhere. I start believeing that we should be together and suffer from not being so in reality. I read the bible, but sometimes find myself calling the devil so he can grant me al wishes on earth at the expense of an eternal fire. I laugh without a present reason (its all in my head actually, i usually go back to funny moments of the past, whenever i am too bored with something, which is almost always). I WORK A LOT to pay the fee for a college that I am currently "studying at" but am, not interestedat all and have a few Fs already. I read a lot of "mind" stuff. Silva method, quantum jumping, sedona method, NLP, astral walking - you name it! I like rap, but feel its evil. I feel as if it tunes with the darker side of me and feel like making something stupid. I can read a fact 23424242 times and still not be able to remember it when ask. I do remember a lot of bullsh*t though. 2 weeks ago I had a hgallucination from sleep deprivation. A black man was asking me about the time. When i checked and rose my head to tell him, he had disappeared, evaporated in thin air. I feel like writing creative stuff:lyrics for songs, short stories, anything that can express my opinion/emotions and post it on a site. However, a lot of "dirt" comes from me when I get engaged and i Stop. I feel embarassed that ppl will read it and see I sometimes think/feel evil. I desperately need a girl and to punch a few people in the faces for making me feel like sh*t. I need to find out what i want in life before I have become more disappointed with it and commited suicide. Don't want to go to hell as well, "but the way things are going I don't know...". Christ this Christ that... Satan is after all the ruler of planet Earth. Vanity, lust, there is a lil bit of everything that can make you cross the boarder of a non - harmful way of action. I am hyperactive. When I realize the need to calm down and think realistically, I get angry for some reason and start to spit and bang myself against the walls.Fury... I have not less than a 3245678674325678954325678654325678 desires, wants, needs that I have left unfulfilled. For example: going for that girl, buying that thing, drinking that soda, etc.And so on and so on... The most hororfying thing is that I can easily put masks on and then in front of you would be an average 21 year old guy...
by Jonathan @ July 22, 2010 2:03 pm
Both the description of events and the length of the posting looks like the manic phase of bipolar disorder.
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